The Academy Award for Live Action Short Film goes to: the teenager who cannot be named for legal reasons and who is not labelled a bully but merely exhibits bullying behaviour. Forward-thinking enough to record live on his mobile his own happy-slapping victims begging for mercy, he also furnished YouTube viewers, with a copy of his misunderstood antics that doubled as evidence for the prosecution.

The Academy Juvenile Award goes to: Billy Trickitt aka ASBO-Trickster who went down in the school’s folklore by punching Mr Greasley, the headteacher, in an argument over whether it was acceptable to set a teacher’s hair alight. The head’s false teeth were dislodged in the process and deposited into his cup of coffee. The Trickster later claimed that Greasley had thrown coffee and bitten him.

The Academy Award for Best Animated Feature goes to Mr Ford for his portrayal of a dying swan after being headbutted in the privates by a rogue year-one pupil who failed to take heed of his command to: Stop the game now! British Bulldog is way too dangeraaaaah!

The Academy Award for Directing goes to: the school secretary who spent her days bossing everyone around and generally being obstructive to any sensible idea, particularly if it related directly to pupils experiencing a modicum of fun.

The Academy Award for Best Actor goes to: Peter Ford for his portrayal of Mr. Ford the enthusiastic and professional educator, whose pupils thought that school was his whole life and that he spent his weekends in a holiday cupboard in the south of his classroom.